On certain names

I will count the comments of Tracy, Liz, and Cat-via-Liz as three ayes. Technically we now need a nay for victory, but three-nil will suffice.

Several of you will recognize among what follows common remarks of mine, delivered most notably one late night in the Michigan Undergound. It is no exhaustive treatise on names or naming, but serves as a primer on what might be called “alternative naming.” To wit:


An excellent thing to do is to name your kid Pete, spelled M-I-C-H-A-E-L. But, you say (those who have not yet received this primer), isn’t that the name Michael? Maybe in Ireland. But if Catherine can be spelled C-A-T-H-E-R-I-N-E, C-A-T-H-A-R-I-N-E, C-A-T-H-R-Y-N, K-A-T-H-E-R-I-N-E, K-A-T-H-A-R-I-N-E, K-A-T-H-R-Y-N, and probably several other variations, few of which are phonetic, and the Scottish can have Kilconquhar pronounced “kuh-nóch-eR,” then we can have Pete spelled M-I-C-H-A-E-L. If you need other justifications, call it a silent M, I, C, H, A, E, and L, all of which occur in English—most, at least; the rest occur as silent letters in Thai, left over from Sanskrit—and an epenthesized P, EE, and T, which also occur.

I am grieved by the need to present so many data in defense of Pete, spelled M-I-C-H-A-E-L, instead of just declaring, “Pete, spelled M-I-C-H-A-E-L.” Usually this name takes only about a sentence to introduce and then we can move on to the next one, but to keep the posting area tidy I want to preclude some of the commoner objections.

At any rate, it is noble to name your kid Pete, spelled M-I-C-H-A-E-L.

Another great thing to do is to name your child Purp e. That’s one word, P-U-R-P-_-E. Some find this name difficult to pronounce; I won’t try to present the phonetics here, but it really isn’t that tough. The important thing to emphasize is that this is one name and one word, not a first and middle name or two-word first name. Many have tried to deduce the missing letter, positing results such as Purpse (sometimes leaving the second P silent such that the name becomes homophonous with a lady’s handbag), Purpke (two syllables), Purpqe (this still won’t help U-less Scrabble players as proper names are contra los rulos), Purpie (cute), and even—it’s true—Purple. Hm. I get it, like the color?

Look: there is no missing letter. If it helps, consider the blank a letter, but just call the letter “blank.” To avoid problems down the road, though, I recommend not even considering the blank a letter, and just taking in the name holistically as Purp e.

Here’s why: there are names that DO contain blanks as what can only be described as letters, at least in written form. Among these is the Grand Behemoth of all given names, to which I will skip directly. Parents should think long and hard before assigning it to a child, because it will have irreversible effects on the bearer’s very experience of reality, perhaps even on her or his metaphysics. Just now I have divulged that the name can suit both male and female children, which must be expected of a nominal Zeus. But enough pomp—here is the Maharaja of all human names:



Powerful; I know. Let me repeat it for emphasis:



Wow, that is heavy.
You may by now have recognized why this name should be given only in exceptional cases, for whenever there is silence, this child will think its name is being called! The quieter the environment, the more urgent the call will seem, and I can only imagine the effects of utter silence. These I expect to be most pronounced during test-taking and at night. In the early stages, expect this child to be whirling around constantly and blurting, “Who said my name?” Also, during roll call, ______ will wonder how there could possibly be so many kids of the same name enrolled, and why none of the others showed up. S/he will, however, be honored by the amount of time devoted to her or him over the PA, and will enormously enjoy watching network television after 2am, when everyone else thinks the stations are off the air.

Like any intelligent being, the child will soon learn that it is not always being summoned, just as girls named Daisy know they are not being addressed every time someone discusses the flower, and in the process it will acquire a sense of discernment far exceeding its years.

Note that, for practical purposes, such as filling out electronic forms, the spelling must be conformed to one containing characters, which is where the blanks come in. You will thereby be constructing a special “written version” of the name, as the true name is simply spelled ______ (pretend that line isn't there--even this posting form won't let me enter the actual spelling). Lamentably, you will have to choose how many blanks to enter; for aesthetic reasons, I recommend four, _-_-_-_, and most will agree.

I think it is clear that naming your child _______ can be the source of immense and manifold difficulties, but that the benefits can be galactic in scope.

That’s all for today’s onomastics. Before closing, however, I find it only appropriate to take a special moment to honor all those named , Purp e, and Pete, spelled M-I-C-H-A-E-L.
Thank you.

Below Dunster is open to queries about these and other names, and is willing to operate as a naming service-for-hire on an individual basis.